Nursing school is hard...

At the end of the day, after all the "it's not fair"s and the frustration, I failed my check offs today.  It is not the end of the world.  I get another chance next week.  It did give me an opportunity to remember some things I know to be true, but lost sight of.

1. Nursing school is hard. It is not fair and that is just the way it is.  It doesn't mean that we won't be great nurses, that we are any less competent. It just means that it is hard. I can not control anything other than myself. I made a mistake today.  It doesn't mean that I don't know what I am doing, or that I am putting a patient at risk.  It just was a mistake.  I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect... which brings me to my second lesson.

2. I do not have to be perfect. I don't even have to be a perfect nurse or a perfect nursing student.  It is easy for me to get caught up in the competitiveness and lose sight of the important things. I am OCD which works really well for me in school.  I have self control and focus.  However, I am not ok with being focused at the expense of my relationship with others and with God.   Sometimes, I do so well in school because I don't let myself up for air.  My focus and control are a double edged sword.  I spent some time in prayer today and remembered how much easier it is when I slow down a little.  There are sacrifices to be made in school.  I can't go out whenever I want. I don't have a ton of extra time. But the last time I went to church was before Christmas.  For me, my relationship with God is what grounds me. It is the reason I am in school.  He is my backbone, peace and strength.  I have been trying to go it on auto-pilot.  I was not created to fly alone.   If the only thing I gained today was a renewal of that relationship, it was deeply worth it.
Which brings me back to my point.  I don't have to be perfect.  I don't even want to be, when I really get quiet and think about it.  I only want to be the nurse that God created me to be.  I will be that nurse.

3. I will be the nurse that God has made me to be. God will be with me and I will make it through school. It may not look like what I pictured.  I have already seen that happen to classmates who I know will be great nurses. Just because some don't fit into the DSN box perfectly doesn't mean anything other that just that.  The mold made at our school is not one size fit all.  That is ok.  We will be great nurses and we will get through this. One step at a time and with each other.

4.  With each other.  None of us is in this alone.  I am so blessed to have my family, my husband and God.  I am also so blessed to have the friends and classmates I do.  The hugs and encouragement I received today humbled me.  I think about the individuals I am surrounded by and I am humbled.  Each one of my classmates is unique and gifted in different ways.  That is what will be the future.  There are a hundred perspectives, backgrounds, passions and giftings that will change the lives of patients around the world.  I am humbled by the strength, intelligence, compassion, dedication and love that I am surrounded by.  I truly respect each of you.

5. God is good. At the end of the day, after everything God is good.  I have been in between boulders and I am never alone. I am not alone now.  I can only do my best and everything else is in God's hands.  What a safe place to be.  I am thankful that my God can not only move boulders, but also mountains.

Today was humbling and hard, but also inspiring and life giving.

"Light shines in darkness for the godly. They are generous, compassionate and righteous....
Such people will not be overcome by evil. Those who are righteous will be long remembered.
They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust  the Lord to care for them.
They are confident and fearless and can face their foes triumphantly."

Psalm 112